A Magnificent Gesture...

Trouble is brewing in the House of Commons after Gordon Brown unveils his £1bn energy package to help poorer Brits due to rising fuel prices this winter.



He's offering them half price loft insulation.

In addition, those who are really poor won't pay any more for fuel this winter.

And - if you happen to have the good fortune to be really old and really poor, you might get a larger Winter Fuel Payment than usual.

Great stuff Gordon and well thought out; if you're in your 70s, frail and suffering from the effects of severe cold, you'd really be likely to nip down to B & Q to buy yourself some half price loft insulation, wouldn't you?

When Stir The Beans! questioned the government on the total and utter uselessness of this policy on behalf of those who are supposed to benefit from it, the Prime Minister sent us the photograph shown next to this post.

Well, let's face it; he may as well have done...

Into the Valley of Death...

Sometimes, things don't go as well for us as we would want, do they? You know; you order something and the wrong colour item arrives, or you marry someone and they turn out to be mad or French or something. Well, someone in Wales must have experienced either or both of these and more, because he decided to end it all.

The gentleman in question, Ian Noll, was described as 'jobless and penniless', so must have been feeling pretty pissed off before the final straw broke the camel's back; whatever that was. It must have been fairly bad, because he took his brother's car 'without permission' (surprising that; 'Hey bro, may I borrow your car as I want to drive to a remote spot and top myself?'), drove to a remote spot near Merthyr Tydfil (that alone would do it for me) and rigged up a gas cannister to the car.

Then, as one does when one is contemplating one's final moments, he turned on the car radio. He must have tuned in to something rather pedestrian as 'Que Sera Sera' by Doris Day was being played. Upon hearing this song, he decided that things were not so bad after all. His heart was lifted. He pulled himself up, turned up the radio and lit a cigarette to celebrate.

That was when the car burst into flames, exploding with such force that the local rugby team were moved to leave the bar for a short time. They rushed to his assistance and he was in turn rushed to hospital where he was treated for severe burns.

It's at this stage of the game that our society lets us down as far as I'm concerned. After suffering all of this, the redoubtable Mr. Noll was now charged and hauled up before the local beak, where he was duly convicted of arson and handed a 12 month community service order. In addition, his licence was endorsed for the 'Taking Without Consent' charge.

Finally, the magistrate ordered the hapless Mr. Noll to complete an 'Enhanced Thinking Skills Course' to ensure no repetition.

Apparently, the gentleman in question was Welsh...

Nuns are beautiful!

Some ideas can only be put forward by certain people. For instance, if I walked into my local church and said ' Hey Father, I've got an idea! Why don't you organise an online beauty pageant for nuns to give them more visibility within the Catholic Church and to fight their dour image?' I would be carted off to the funny farm as quick as the men with the nets could drag me. ' Hang on! Wait a minute! What's this? An Italian priest, Rev. Antonio Rungi has suggested that very thing.

The "Miss Sister 2008" contest will start in September on a blog run by the Rev. Antonio Rungi and will give nuns from around the world a chance to showcase their work and their image. Rungi said, 'Nuns are a bit marginalised in ecclesiastical life.'

Rungi, a theologian and schoolteacher from Naples, Italy said, visitors to his site will have a month to 'vote for their favourite nun.' Nuns will fill out a profile including information about their life and vocation as well as a photograph. Rungi said, 'We are not going to parade nuns in bathing suits,' (I think that's a mistake) 'But being ugly is not a requirement for becoming a nun. (Really?) External beauty is gift from God, and we mustn't hide it.' So, who is it a gift from if you look like s**t, and should they be hidden?

I can't wait for "Miss Sister 2008," can you?

Download The Podcast!

News! The podcast is here... it's been approved by iTunes! To download Episode One, click on the link below. iTunes will launch and you must then click 'Subscribe'. It will then download the podcast for you and also check automatically for future episodes!

Download Episode One of the 'Stir The Beans!' podcast!

This week: Dave and Steve talk about the advent of Transsexual Toilets in Thai Schools and the return of Gary Glitter amongst other things...

Email your questions, comments and subjects for discussion to: questions@stirthebeans.com!

All that Glitters...

OK, OK, I know it's supposed to be 'All that Glisters...' but that wouldn't work with this post, as the infamous 'DISGRACED FORMER GLAM ROCK STAR WEIRDO PERVY KIDDIE CHASING NUTJOB' was called 'Glitter'. He's now called 'Gadd'. And he's on his way back to Blighty.

Well, to be more accurate, he's on his way somewhere. Apparently, he's been released this morning from the Vietnamese jail that's been his home for the last 3 years and they have deported him. However, as there are no direct flights to the UK, he can change flights for whichever country will allow him a Visa. And let's face it, there can't be many.

It appears that this latest chapter in his downfall was a scam that he should have been aware of; a family so desperate for cash that they set him up. Not that this is any kind of excuse of course. Mind you, he didn't exactly demonstrate his astuteness the first time around when he dropped his laptop - which had a number of rather abhorrent images on its hard drive - into PC World in Bristol for repair. At least his stupidity got him off the streets.

So the self-styled 'Leader of the Gang' (and no thanks Gary, we don't want to be in it), is now free again. But for how long? OK, he's concerned about his health and has worries about where he will live (he hasn't, hitherto, mentioned any sort of concern about his moral standards), but is he as innocent as he makes out? Time will tell.

There is, however, something just as offensive and potentially damaging to the fabric of society than his reported interest in the younger members of it. The world should be reminded that he has made a number of comebacks before. Who knows what he is planning? Especially with another Seventies comeback underway right now.

No - it's not Jimmy Savile directing traffic in Leeds. Making a comeback in the U.S. are the banana related strange animal things that go by the names of Fleegle, Bingo, Drooper and Snorky.

Looking into the future as I can, I see a new 'Glam Rock' band with a new frontman on the horizon...

Out with the old...

Hot News! Yes; Stir The Beans is proud to be able to show you pictures of the new VW Golf a whole week before it's launched! In an exclusive scoop, we can reveal that, well, it looks like the old one.

And quite a lot like the one before that.

'The new Golf is the sixth car to be called a Golf, with Volkswagen playing it relatively safe with the styling and naming of its popular hatchback. Over 26 million Golfs have been produced in its 34-year production run, the new Mk6 model certain to continue that phenomenal success story.' Or so it says in the press kit.

More Stir The Beans exclusive stories; Duck with one leg swims in a circular pattern. Also, news from Rome; Pope declares himself to be a member of the Catholic Church.

To Pee Or Not To Pee...

I don't really know where to start with this one. But then, that is the problem that I'm writing about. I'll explain. The world, as a singer once said, is a great big melting pot, with all sorts in it; and so it should be. In the North-East of Thailand, Kampang Secondary school has taken the concept to the next level by introducing toilets especially for their transsexual pupils.

In a move applauded by the 10-20% of pupils that consider themselves transsexual - that's right; 10-20% - the headmaster, one Sitisak Sumontha, has decided to place the new conveniences directly in the middle of the male and female lavatories.

"They used to be teased every time they used the boys' toilets," said Mr. Sitisak (really?), "so they started using the girls' toilets instead. But that made the girls feel uncomfortable. It made these boys unhappy, and started to affect their work."

Now - obviously this is a good thing for those who have gender issues, but 10-20%? It seems incredibly high. When I was at school, if 20% of the boys went to the teacher and explained that they didn't like it anymore and wanted to be girls, his response - and I am only guessing here - may not have been as accommodating.

Some years ago, it was admitted that British Schools were failing 20% of students. Also in Britain, 20% of students drop out.

Perhaps that's why!

'Why have you dropped out of school son? Your mother and I are very concerned.'
'I don't like being a boy any more Dad. I've decided I want to be a girl.'
'Oh, is that all?! I thought you were on drugs, or liked pop music or something. Come on son! I'll show you which toilets to use; we'll have you back to your studies in no time!'

We can sort this problem out now! We should ask all of these students why they are not going forward to higher education.

And then we simply need to go ahead and build them another toilet block...