President of The Universe...

In a shocking twist to the expected result, it appears that Robert Mugabe is set to be confirmed as the winner in last Friday's Zimbabwean elections. Mega Brute Rob (see previous posts) has defied all expectations to be the clear leader in what is seen as one of the fairest elections ever held in Harare; this time, although there have been many beatings, intimidation and threats, only 90 or so supporters of the opposing candidate have actually been murdered.

One source, who for some reason declined to be identified, said 'The tallies are indicating that despite the wishes of our detractors and the propaganda of our enemies, the voter turnout was very big and that we are going to see a landslide victory.'

However, it's not all fun and games. Some people think that these events are in some way damaging and wish to stop them as soon as possible. Some people think that with inflation at a trouser-wetting 2 million percent in a country presided over by a dangerous loon, something ought to be done. There have been calls for everything from sanctions to an invasion, but one man in particular thinks this falls way short of what is really needed. The Kenyan Foreign Minister, one Moses Wetangula, wants to employ tactics that are substantially more hardline; "I think we need to engage Zimbabwe', he said. 'The route of sanctions may not be the most helpful one.'

Aaahh - he wants to have a nice little chat; that'll do it...