Nuns are beautiful!

Some ideas can only be put forward by certain people. For instance, if I walked into my local church and said ' Hey Father, I've got an idea! Why don't you organise an online beauty pageant for nuns to give them more visibility within the Catholic Church and to fight their dour image?' I would be carted off to the funny farm as quick as the men with the nets could drag me. ' Hang on! Wait a minute! What's this? An Italian priest, Rev. Antonio Rungi has suggested that very thing.

The "Miss Sister 2008" contest will start in September on a blog run by the Rev. Antonio Rungi and will give nuns from around the world a chance to showcase their work and their image. Rungi said, 'Nuns are a bit marginalised in ecclesiastical life.'

Rungi, a theologian and schoolteacher from Naples, Italy said, visitors to his site will have a month to 'vote for their favourite nun.' Nuns will fill out a profile including information about their life and vocation as well as a photograph. Rungi said, 'We are not going to parade nuns in bathing suits,' (I think that's a mistake) 'But being ugly is not a requirement for becoming a nun. (Really?) External beauty is gift from God, and we mustn't hide it.' So, who is it a gift from if you look like s**t, and should they be hidden?

I can't wait for "Miss Sister 2008," can you?

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This week: Dave and Steve talk about the advent of Transsexual Toilets in Thai Schools and the return of Gary Glitter amongst other things...

Email your questions, comments and subjects for discussion to: questions@stirthebeans.com!

All that Glitters...

OK, OK, I know it's supposed to be 'All that Glisters...' but that wouldn't work with this post, as the infamous 'DISGRACED FORMER GLAM ROCK STAR WEIRDO PERVY KIDDIE CHASING NUTJOB' was called 'Glitter'. He's now called 'Gadd'. And he's on his way back to Blighty.

Well, to be more accurate, he's on his way somewhere. Apparently, he's been released this morning from the Vietnamese jail that's been his home for the last 3 years and they have deported him. However, as there are no direct flights to the UK, he can change flights for whichever country will allow him a Visa. And let's face it, there can't be many.

It appears that this latest chapter in his downfall was a scam that he should have been aware of; a family so desperate for cash that they set him up. Not that this is any kind of excuse of course. Mind you, he didn't exactly demonstrate his astuteness the first time around when he dropped his laptop - which had a number of rather abhorrent images on its hard drive - into PC World in Bristol for repair. At least his stupidity got him off the streets.

So the self-styled 'Leader of the Gang' (and no thanks Gary, we don't want to be in it), is now free again. But for how long? OK, he's concerned about his health and has worries about where he will live (he hasn't, hitherto, mentioned any sort of concern about his moral standards), but is he as innocent as he makes out? Time will tell.

There is, however, something just as offensive and potentially damaging to the fabric of society than his reported interest in the younger members of it. The world should be reminded that he has made a number of comebacks before. Who knows what he is planning? Especially with another Seventies comeback underway right now.

No - it's not Jimmy Savile directing traffic in Leeds. Making a comeback in the U.S. are the banana related strange animal things that go by the names of Fleegle, Bingo, Drooper and Snorky.

Looking into the future as I can, I see a new 'Glam Rock' band with a new frontman on the horizon...

Out with the old...

Hot News! Yes; Stir The Beans is proud to be able to show you pictures of the new VW Golf a whole week before it's launched! In an exclusive scoop, we can reveal that, well, it looks like the old one.

And quite a lot like the one before that.

'The new Golf is the sixth car to be called a Golf, with Volkswagen playing it relatively safe with the styling and naming of its popular hatchback. Over 26 million Golfs have been produced in its 34-year production run, the new Mk6 model certain to continue that phenomenal success story.' Or so it says in the press kit.

More Stir The Beans exclusive stories; Duck with one leg swims in a circular pattern. Also, news from Rome; Pope declares himself to be a member of the Catholic Church.

To Pee Or Not To Pee...

I don't really know where to start with this one. But then, that is the problem that I'm writing about. I'll explain. The world, as a singer once said, is a great big melting pot, with all sorts in it; and so it should be. In the North-East of Thailand, Kampang Secondary school has taken the concept to the next level by introducing toilets especially for their transsexual pupils.

In a move applauded by the 10-20% of pupils that consider themselves transsexual - that's right; 10-20% - the headmaster, one Sitisak Sumontha, has decided to place the new conveniences directly in the middle of the male and female lavatories.

"They used to be teased every time they used the boys' toilets," said Mr. Sitisak (really?), "so they started using the girls' toilets instead. But that made the girls feel uncomfortable. It made these boys unhappy, and started to affect their work."

Now - obviously this is a good thing for those who have gender issues, but 10-20%? It seems incredibly high. When I was at school, if 20% of the boys went to the teacher and explained that they didn't like it anymore and wanted to be girls, his response - and I am only guessing here - may not have been as accommodating.

Some years ago, it was admitted that British Schools were failing 20% of students. Also in Britain, 20% of students drop out.

Perhaps that's why!

'Why have you dropped out of school son? Your mother and I are very concerned.'
'I don't like being a boy any more Dad. I've decided I want to be a girl.'
'Oh, is that all?! I thought you were on drugs, or liked pop music or something. Come on son! I'll show you which toilets to use; we'll have you back to your studies in no time!'

We can sort this problem out now! We should ask all of these students why they are not going forward to higher education.

And then we simply need to go ahead and build them another toilet block...

I'm The Big Brother of a Celebrity, get me the X Factor out of here....

So - celebrity reality television season is well under way. We are in the middle of 'Big Brother' 59 and have more of the same on its way. It's just been announced that we are not going to be subjected to AntandDec anymore as Davina McCall is going to be hosting the next series of 'I'm a Celebrity....'

Apparently Bobby f'ing Davro (not his real name) is being touted as one of the so-called 'celebs' that get paid through the nose for a few weeks of eating hardly anything and pretending to be 'brave'.

Here at Stir The Beans, we have a better idea for a reality show. It's called 'Celebrity Surgery Island'. All the 'D' to 'Z' listers around would qualify; you know the type - someone who once stood on Jimmy Savile's toe at a Royal Garden Party; someone who once did an audition for a Mars Bar advert; someone who used to be on 'Hollyoaks'; someone who slept with the son of a soap actor and Jodie f'ing Marsh (not her real name) - in short, any of the previous contestants who have been on all of these appalling shows for the last few years.

Once all of these losers have been gathered together somewhere in the Caribbean, the idea is to get them relaxed. This part of the show would be easy; just give them loads of Tennants Extra. Then comes the fun bit. The 'celebs' are divided into two groups and are given a letter each.

The viewers are given a list of surgical procedures - everything from in-growing toenail removal to open heart surgery. Then, the viewers phone in and match the procedure to two letters...

So for instance, you would call in and match letter 'C' (sad ex soap star) to 'G' (wannabe footballers' wife) to, say, an appendicectomy.

Then, each unsuspecting 'Celeb' is taken to another island and one is made to operate on the other WITHOUT ANAESTHETIC.

OK, so the format is a little rough at the moment and may need tidying up a little before we pitch it, but you see where we're going with this. It would rid the world of these hopeless loons whilst providing first class entertainment for the masses...

Sigh; one can only dream.

Oh - and I know the picture has no relevance, but it's so ridiculous, I had to post it.

Death is not my neighbour...

I have been camping for a few days. Hard to believe, as it's not really the sort of thing I am associated with, but it was great fun. I return to the usual stack of bills, final demands and discount vouchers for fast food also to discover the latest in a long line of oppressive laws to come out of Norway.

In addition to penalising people who support Jewish people, running Eco-Friendly prisons and issuing licenses for VCRs and DVD players, now it's illegal to die in the Norwegian community of Longyearbyen in the Svalbard Islands.

Should you break the law and actually pop your misplaced clogs, nobody will bury you here.

At least I now know what I have to do to avoid spending time in a rainy field with nobody else around...