Lean back...

I like to think of myself as a feminist. Albeit a male one. However, I couldn't resist posting this.

Let's do the gags as a list, so we can all enjoy them together:

1. I wouldn't mind her in a sandwich.
2. Is that a lardon, or do you have a bacon slicer in your pocket?
3. You don't have to ham it up for me.
4. Lucky swine.
5. Piggin' gorgeous.
6. A new meaning to the word 'streaking'.
7 I only asked her out for a drink, but I could have been rasher.

And on and on ad infinitum...

She ran off, but I was able to Ketchup.

Stop me now, please...

Marilyn Monroe was flatulent.

It appears that instead of diamonds being a girls' best friend, a decent deodorant may have sufficed. A biography of Clark Gable entitled, 'Clark Gable: Tormented Star, written by David Bret claims that 'Marilyn Monroe, was flatulent, dirty and ate in bed.' So far, so bad...

The book goes on to say, 'like Jean Harlow, Enid Blyton and Friar Tuck (probably), she bleached all her pubic hair and never wore panties'. She suffered from what today would be described as 'irritable bowel syndrome'.

I have an image of David Bret in my mind; one of his eyes is much higher than the other and he has a pencil sticking out of his nose.

Bret also claims: 'Monroe rarely bathed, slept in the nude and ate a lot in bed - shoving what was left on her plate under the sheets before going to sleep'. Then, Bret says, 'Marilyn often set fire to her farts; once she unwittingly singed all the hair on Clark Gable's back while he was playing tennis'.

That last bit may have been made up.

Apparently, Some do Like it Hot...

Mars? It's a little like Dursley...

In a world where people are starving, wars are being waged, terrorists have their own schools and Gordon Brown is allowed to be a Prime Minister, Stir the Beans is proud to impart some fantastic news!

Following in man's great tradition of exploration, NASA have today announced that their 'Phoenix' mission to Mars has landed. Everything worked properly, there were no hitches and the craft touched down on the red planet as planned. So what great thing happened when the first pictures came through? What did these scientists - considered as experts in their field - discover?

Well; nothing actually. They discovered that there is nothing there. Furthermore, the landing craft helpfully beamed back a picture of the surface (at 04:53:54 Pacific Time), just to show us non-scientific types what 'nothing' looks like.

Now - I have already freely admitted that I'm no scientist. Maybe, as such, I should be impressed by the fact that millions of dollars have been spent on 'discovering' something that most people knew already. I reckon I could have helped them though. For a fraction of the cost of this mission, I would have laid on a trip to Dursley in Gloucestershire.

Here, nothing happens. Granted, there are a few more buildings than there are on Mars. However, in the search for intelligent life, I reckon they're about level pegging. Still; it would have given them an insight on what to do next. Personally, I can't wait for the three months' worth of data that this mission will provide humankind with. It should really provide us with a deeper understanding of, er, nothingness.

Meanwhile, in Spain, grown men are jumping over babies in an ancient ritual designed to ward off evil spirits.

Hey! You know what?! I've just realised; I've not woken up yet! Thank God. For a moment there, I thought this was all real!

Phew...

Bare Hens Tits

Anagrams eh? Fun for all... I just noticed that the Bank of Zimbabwe (Kebab Fan Biz Mew) have just released a $500 000 000 note for the 'convenience' of the people.

I'd hazard a guess that the 'people' find this surprisingly inconvenient, are 'locked compete fluffy' (completely f*cked off) over the whole thing and would really like to 'kill the President slowly with a blunt knife' (murder the bastard).

As it cost me £124 to fill my tank the other day, I am hoping that our very own 'daft scottish tw*t' (Gordon Brown) will do the same here. Might as well have £200 notes and scrap fivers and tenners. In any case, £20 will soon be only just enough for a 10% tip at a fast food restaurant.

Anyway - backbit maze bow (back to Zimbabwe).

After much letterplay, I have worked out that 'Robert Mugabe' translates into 'Mega Brute Rob'.

Food for thought...


(Bare Hens Tits = Stir The Beans)

Something with a small 'C'...

67% mortgage rates? £400 per gallon for petrol?! More evidence that the world is going mad. A 15-year-old is facing possible prosecution for holding up a placard which branded Scientology a "cult".

The teenager held up a sign which read, "Scientology is not a religion, it is a dangerous cult" in May, outside its headquarters in the City of London. City of London Police said they had received complaints and warned the teenager to get rid of the sign as it breached the Public Order Act. A file is being passed to the Crown Prosecution Service.

Now is not the time to debate the legitimacy of a secretive group of people whose 'religion' was started by an uncaring, money grabbing Science Fiction writer, but if the police had been present every time I had referred to someone's behaviour as 'cultish' or used the word 'cult' to describe various secret organisations, the CPS would have a file on me several metres thick.

Chief Supt Rob Bastable said: "City of London Police upholds the right to demonstrate lawfully, but we have to balance that with the right of all sections of community not to be alarmed, harassed or distressed as a result of other people's behaviour."

Of course the police would have taken into account the right of the 15 year old and thousands of others concerned about this group not to be alarmed, harassed or distressed as a result of other people's behaviour.

Wouldn't they?

Cults.

Just shoot me...

Here at Stir The Beans, we love the U.S. No - we really do. One of us has spent a fair bit of time working there over the years and each state is like a different country. However, they share a few things in common. One of these is weaponry and another is a quite staggeringly unbelievable affection for the offensively tacky. Well; now they have combined the two! Step forward the designer armourer! Too sartorially embarrassed to be a terrorist? Don't know which way to look at your fellow soldiers? Yeah, we know, those uniforms are soo, well, uniform! Worry no more! Now you can treat yourself to a semi-automatic rifle from your favourite designer! Fendi, Versace, anyone you can think of in fact...

I think our personal favourite has to be the item de rigeur for the elegant serial killer of 2008. There really is only one choice; the Louis Vuitton chainsaw. Honestly! I wouldn't be slaughtered by anything else! Add to this the Gucci landmine (it blows you to bits without damaging your loafers) and Britney's very own range of Spears...

Britain has to get in on the act. Can you imagine the effect that it would have on the Officers of the British Army? All downhill, I assure you...

'Binky, I say - have you seen our new hand grenades?'
'No, old chap, what's the prob?'
'They're pinky, Binky, that's the prob! How's a chap supposed to beat the Taliban with pink grenades?! What will they think of us?'
'Haven't a clue old chap. Have you seen my hair straighteners? They came free with a set of rocket launchers from 'Laboratoire Garnier'...

Dead Caroline...

Veteran singer Neil Diamond has topped the UK album chart for the first time with new release Home Before Dark.
The 186 -year-old, whose debut album was released in 1856, becomes the artist who has taken the longest to top the album chart with an original work.

Said Diamond, when asked about this success, 'The nurses are stealing my clothes.'

Also in the news; this week sees the release of 'Indiana Jones and the Frame of Zimmer', which sees a sprightly 123 year old Harrison Ford in pursuit of a metal framed walker...

I was 44 a couple of weeks ago. I feel like a teenager. Still, there's never one around when you want one...

Darth Vader? Serious!

This week, in Wales, a man dressed as Darth Vader was sentenced for attacking the High Priest of the First Jedi Church of Wales with a metal crutch after being provoked with a Light Saber.

Wearing a bin bag, he jumped over a garden wall waving the crutch whilst shouting 'Darth!', 'Darth Vader!'

In court, he conceded that his behaviour may have been affected by the fact that prior to this, he had consumed the entire contents of a 10 litre box of wine.

Outstanding. There is nothing more to add really...

You have gathered together figures of hate and derision. Which one do you shoot first?
	Pol Pot
	Gordon Brown
	Heinrich Himmler
	Peter Andre
	Valerie Singleton
pollcode.com free polls

Starting Out

Ah... the clean slate of a new blog. Fair old tugs at the heart strings; whatever that means. How lucky are we? We have cyberspace to rant and rave in. And it can be read by all...

Welcome to 'Stir The Beans'. This is a blog that will also be a Podcast later in the year. Esoteric discussion, keen insights into topical subjects, a comedic take on the happenings of the day, a satirical look at a politically unstable world? No! Well, sometimes maybe, but often by accident. Simply the ramblings of 2 old friends and their unusual take on the world, its inhabitants and the behaviour of said inhabitants...

So, I hear you ask, how do I get involved? Easy! Simply email your comments/questions to questions@stirthebeans.com and we'll do the rest! Marvellous...