President of The Universe...

In a shocking twist to the expected result, it appears that Robert Mugabe is set to be confirmed as the winner in last Friday's Zimbabwean elections. Mega Brute Rob (see previous posts) has defied all expectations to be the clear leader in what is seen as one of the fairest elections ever held in Harare; this time, although there have been many beatings, intimidation and threats, only 90 or so supporters of the opposing candidate have actually been murdered.

One source, who for some reason declined to be identified, said 'The tallies are indicating that despite the wishes of our detractors and the propaganda of our enemies, the voter turnout was very big and that we are going to see a landslide victory.'

However, it's not all fun and games. Some people think that these events are in some way damaging and wish to stop them as soon as possible. Some people think that with inflation at a trouser-wetting 2 million percent in a country presided over by a dangerous loon, something ought to be done. There have been calls for everything from sanctions to an invasion, but one man in particular thinks this falls way short of what is really needed. The Kenyan Foreign Minister, one Moses Wetangula, wants to employ tactics that are substantially more hardline; "I think we need to engage Zimbabwe', he said. 'The route of sanctions may not be the most helpful one.'

Aaahh - he wants to have a nice little chat; that'll do it...

In Cardiff, no-one can hear you scream. Tidy...

They're back. Or here. Or not, which frankly seems most likely. In a day and age where everyone and his dog has a camera in their mobile phone - my dog certainly has anyway - the Little Green Men are circling our planet again, presumably to establish once and for all why its inhabitants are not at all little or indeed, green.

In Wales, a police helicopter crew have recently spotted what is described as an 'unusual aircraft' in the Vale of Glamorgan. However, the 3-man crew could not, sadly, capture any images of said unusual aircraft before a) the thing completely disappeared and b) the crew returned to earth. In more ways than one I suspect. South Wales Police said that the crew did not give chase and described them as 'very experienced' although I'm not sure what that actually means when it comes to UFO sightings.

Can you imagine reporting this?

'Golf Zulu Tango Oscar. We'd like to report a UFO sighting. Serious.'

'Serious, Golf Oscar? I'm not sure I know what to do with this. Does the Sarge know?'

'Er, no Davydd. We haven't told the Sarge yet.'

'Golf Oscar. What did it look like Jonesy?'

'Well, it was large, like - with big flashy lights. It looked a little like Swansea on a summers' evening.'

'Swansea, eh, Golf Oscar? The whole of Swansea? Or just the waterfront?

'Not sure really. It wasn't around long enough to tell.'

'Golf Oscar! It's the Sarge! He's not lookin' 'appy!'

'Give me that mic! Golf Oscar! Stop pissing about in that chopper and get back to base.'

The main reason for the lack of recent UFO sightings is a pretty simple one. There aren't any. Really. We are so technologically advanced these days that if there was ANYTHING out there, we would have found it by now and as I said above, UFO sightings essentially stopped in the late '70s after people slowed down on their dope intake and started routinely carrying cameras.

I'll leave the last words to Mr. George Withrington of St. Mellons. 'I saw something peculiar', he said. 'With lots of flashing lights.' 

That'll be the police van George, on its way to collect the helicopter crew...

Tubes & Prejudice...

As Jane Austen once wrote, 'It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.'  I'm sorry Janie, you were wrong. I'll write that as it should be written. Come and see me afterwards. Oh, I'm sorry, you can't, can you?

It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a single man (for that read any man - or woman for that matter) in possession of an extended period of time with nothing to do, enforced solitude or indeed being known amongst one's colleagues as a bit of a loser, must be in want of some friends.

Sometimes, a period of enforced solitude brings on other attacks of out-of-character behaviour. Indeed, after some time away on business, I recently suggested to my family that we go camping. However, some people take things a little too far.  Some people go to parks to find those much needed friends and then proceed to fight each other with cardboard tubes.

You may think that this particular pastime is purely Australian... Alas, no. It's also around in California, where it apparently originated. According to the league, and I quote: 'The CTFL was created out of a desperate need to better train and arm citizens with cardboard tubes. While many speculate that our fore fathers (sic), when drafting the constitution, originally intended the fourth amendment to refer to fire arms (sic), there is now a small group of non-academics who believe that they were more likely referring to elite militias of card board (sic) tube wielding ninjas.

Now, whilst of course I sincerely hope that the tongue of the writer is firmly wedged into his or her cheek and leaving aside the obvious inability to use a spelling and grammar checker, it's a feature of things like this and other out-of-the-ordinary pastimes that some rather undesirable characters often gravitate towards in large numbers. You know the type; people who need to shower more often, or those who have eschewed fashion in favour of wearing something their Mum gave them. 

For educational purposes you can see the type of person I am on about here. The leader seems a little too enthusiastic for my liking...

Oh well, I'd better go; I'd like to stay and chat, but I have an online battle of 'World of Warcraft' with some fellow Orks in Russia...

Nearer, my God, to Thee...

Sometimes, when life gets a little challenging, or when one feels a little down, one's behaviour can be affected; one might consider an action without, perhaps, considering all of the possible consequences of said action. A similar situation can occur when one has lost one's way or when one is maybe a sandwich or two short of the full cricketers' afternoon tea.

On April 20th 2008, Adelir de Carli, a Brazlian Catholic Priest, decided that he would harness himself (strapped in a chair) to 1,000 party balloons in order to raise money to 'provide a spiritual rest-stop for truckers'. He left the ground as planned and drifted skyward in - and I am obviously guessing here - a similar manner to which one would expect in this situation, which is quite quickly heavenwards. He had planned to fly 465 miles, an undertaking which an individual with even the most rudimentary knowledge of aviation would imagine requires some sort of forward propulsion. The Reverend de Carli eschewed such prosaic means of control and relied solely upon the wind.

Surprisingly, he reached an altitude of 6000 metres before losing contact with authorities. Later, bits of balloon were discovered floating in the sea. Before he disappeared, his final message was to say that the phone battery was running low and that he could not work the GPS device he had taken with him, presumably before learning how to operate it.

A candidate I fear for The Darwin Awards...

Want fries with that..?

It has been brought to our attention that the post on Mars was inaccurate.

Life - of a certain kind - apparently does exist on the Red Planet.

You have my apologies.

Thanks to SRW for the picture.