To Pee Or Not To Pee...

I don't really know where to start with this one. But then, that is the problem that I'm writing about. I'll explain. The world, as a singer once said, is a great big melting pot, with all sorts in it; and so it should be. In the North-East of Thailand, Kampang Secondary school has taken the concept to the next level by introducing toilets especially for their transsexual pupils.

In a move applauded by the 10-20% of pupils that consider themselves transsexual - that's right; 10-20% - the headmaster, one Sitisak Sumontha, has decided to place the new conveniences directly in the middle of the male and female lavatories.

"They used to be teased every time they used the boys' toilets," said Mr. Sitisak (really?), "so they started using the girls' toilets instead. But that made the girls feel uncomfortable. It made these boys unhappy, and started to affect their work."

Now - obviously this is a good thing for those who have gender issues, but 10-20%? It seems incredibly high. When I was at school, if 20% of the boys went to the teacher and explained that they didn't like it anymore and wanted to be girls, his response - and I am only guessing here - may not have been as accommodating.

Some years ago, it was admitted that British Schools were failing 20% of students. Also in Britain, 20% of students drop out.

Perhaps that's why!

'Why have you dropped out of school son? Your mother and I are very concerned.'
'I don't like being a boy any more Dad. I've decided I want to be a girl.'
'Oh, is that all?! I thought you were on drugs, or liked pop music or something. Come on son! I'll show you which toilets to use; we'll have you back to your studies in no time!'

We can sort this problem out now! We should ask all of these students why they are not going forward to higher education.

And then we simply need to go ahead and build them another toilet block...

I'm The Big Brother of a Celebrity, get me the X Factor out of here....

So - celebrity reality television season is well under way. We are in the middle of 'Big Brother' 59 and have more of the same on its way. It's just been announced that we are not going to be subjected to AntandDec anymore as Davina McCall is going to be hosting the next series of 'I'm a Celebrity....'

Apparently Bobby f'ing Davro (not his real name) is being touted as one of the so-called 'celebs' that get paid through the nose for a few weeks of eating hardly anything and pretending to be 'brave'.

Here at Stir The Beans, we have a better idea for a reality show. It's called 'Celebrity Surgery Island'. All the 'D' to 'Z' listers around would qualify; you know the type - someone who once stood on Jimmy Savile's toe at a Royal Garden Party; someone who once did an audition for a Mars Bar advert; someone who used to be on 'Hollyoaks'; someone who slept with the son of a soap actor and Jodie f'ing Marsh (not her real name) - in short, any of the previous contestants who have been on all of these appalling shows for the last few years.

Once all of these losers have been gathered together somewhere in the Caribbean, the idea is to get them relaxed. This part of the show would be easy; just give them loads of Tennants Extra. Then comes the fun bit. The 'celebs' are divided into two groups and are given a letter each.

The viewers are given a list of surgical procedures - everything from in-growing toenail removal to open heart surgery. Then, the viewers phone in and match the procedure to two letters...

So for instance, you would call in and match letter 'C' (sad ex soap star) to 'G' (wannabe footballers' wife) to, say, an appendicectomy.

Then, each unsuspecting 'Celeb' is taken to another island and one is made to operate on the other WITHOUT ANAESTHETIC.

OK, so the format is a little rough at the moment and may need tidying up a little before we pitch it, but you see where we're going with this. It would rid the world of these hopeless loons whilst providing first class entertainment for the masses...

Sigh; one can only dream.

Oh - and I know the picture has no relevance, but it's so ridiculous, I had to post it.

Death is not my neighbour...

I have been camping for a few days. Hard to believe, as it's not really the sort of thing I am associated with, but it was great fun. I return to the usual stack of bills, final demands and discount vouchers for fast food also to discover the latest in a long line of oppressive laws to come out of Norway.

In addition to penalising people who support Jewish people, running Eco-Friendly prisons and issuing licenses for VCRs and DVD players, now it's illegal to die in the Norwegian community of Longyearbyen in the Svalbard Islands.

Should you break the law and actually pop your misplaced clogs, nobody will bury you here.

At least I now know what I have to do to avoid spending time in a rainy field with nobody else around...

They'll make an 'ash of it...

Southampton Crematorium have installed a Pay-Per-View system so that their funerals can be watched remotely by people in the comfort of their own homes. Supposedly it's been designed so that people who cannot attend the funeral of a loved one due to illness or being in another country. I however, think it's more sinister than that.

It's obviously a move towards attendance-free funerals driven by employers. Already in the dim and distant past are the professional mourners whose job it was to make an already sad occasion even sadder with much wailing, gnashing of teeth and waving of lacy black handkerchiefs. Then they were fired, no doubt as part of a global top-hat shortage. Now, the actual people will be prevented from attending. Well, they only get in the way, don't they? And think of the wasted man hours from employees skiving off to funerals...

There'll be teething troubles of course. Great Aunt Agnes will be scheduled for a service at 15:00. Those of us lucky enough to have a wireless broadband connection won't even have to leave work, so there's no chance of us getting stuck on the B3459 and holding the next service up. Some of us will still be on dialup or will have another problem;

'How was your Dad's funeral?'
'Don't know...'
'Why the hell not?!'
'I had a 'fatal exception error' with Windows Vista. Then, when I rebooted, it told me that I needed to upgrade to 'Funeral 2.0'.'

It's the thin end of the wedge; next it'll be a 'virtual family', where you don't ever have to leave the office...

Yawn. I'm off for a kip in the stationery cupboard.

BeansWear...

With the hits on the blog going up by the day, it's time to launch our very own range of BeansWear! Yes - for only £15, you can be the proud owner of a 'Stir The Beans' t shirt. Currently available in Yellow or White up to XXL. Simply email for further information. All sorts of other merchandise is available; watch this space!

Americans!!

Moe used to drive a car. (Moe is the Ape on the right) Where did Moe drive his car to?

"We need some milk"

"I'll get it."

"Thanks Moe"

Moe is lost, he's not driving, he's is now believed to be on foot. Lost? Hiding? Worse? He's been out there in the rugged, brushy, snaky foothills of the San Bernardino Mountains west of Los Angeles since June 27, when he escaped from his cage. His frantic parents, not his biological parents, are weeping with worry.

Moe, before he retired, was somewhat of a celebrity, he used to make his living opening new shops, shopping malls, you know, ribbon cutting. Apparently he was chosen to open a supermarket ahead of Ricky Martin, brilliant!!

Moe lived at an exotic pets sanctuary called 'Jungle Exotics', owned by Joe Camp. Camp said "It's dangerous, hilly country, and Moe is not somebody's monkey child." Eh?

Moe's owners said, "Oh, I just don't know what he's thinking. Maybe he's scared to death. Maybe he thinks he's in trouble. This is all so new for him," says LaDonna Davis, who considers Moe like the son she never had. She calls herself Moe's mum. Her husband, St. James Davis, a retired NASCAR racer, calls himself Moe's dad.
St. James says: "He's on his way home. He's probably looking for a car to drive."

God help us all!!!

The serious moonlight...

My friend Dave and I are very similar. However, some of the things that make me laugh just make him angry and I never understood this; it would just make me laugh even more. Recently however, I am coming around to his point of view.

I posted on the 23rd of June about a Police sighting of a UFO in South Wales. Well, the South Walians, or whatever they're called, have done it again.

This is an actual transcript of the 999 emergency call that was placed.

Control Room: "South Wales Police, what's your emergency?"
Caller: "It's not really. I just need to inform you that across the mountain there's a bright stationary object."
Control room: "Right."
Caller: "If you've got a couple of minutes perhaps you could find out what it is? It's been there at least half an hour and it's still there."
Control: "It's been there for half an hour. Right. Is it actually on the mountain or in the sky?"
Caller: "It's in the air."
Control: "I will send someone up there now to check it out."
Caller: "OK."

The mystery was soon solved, as the exchange between control and an officer at the scene makes clear.

Control: "Alpha Zulu 20, this object in the sky, did anyone have a look at it?"
Officer: "Yes, it's the moon. Over."

If you think I'm making this up, you can listen to it here.

I'm actually feeling angry... Dave? Dave?!

What's in a name?

A small Merseyside village has been in the news recently. Some small-minded individuals have been defacing the village sign on a regular basis. Apparently, without too much effort, it's possible to make a very offensive word.

'We are sick of this and want it stopped immediately', said the village vicar, Reverend Andrew Tw*tting-F*ck.

Nothing to do with Parrots...

Just when I wondered if there would be another subject along soon to write about, one drops into my lap; or, rather more accurately, onto the floor outside my hotel room. In a headline that almost defies belief, all that I find incredible about the world is encapsulated in just six words.

'Polygamist sect launches children's clothing range'.

Yes; it's those wacky dudes at the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints again... In a move that is inspired by '19th century pioneers', those who were left behind after the State of Texas Child Protection Unit decided that making 14 year old children marry was wrong, decided to release a range of clothing to promote their cause.

It must have worked, because most of the 463 children detained under the protection order have been returned to their parents pending the legal process. Well, those that can recognise them that is; they all look rather similar to me...

Soon to be launched; The Adolf Hitler Kosher Food Range and the Robert Mugabe Election Winning Torture Kit, shortly followed by the Gary Glitter Young Persons' Academy.

Might as well visit the site; you'll need some protective clothing for the last one...