A Magnificent Gesture...

Trouble is brewing in the House of Commons after Gordon Brown unveils his £1bn energy package to help poorer Brits due to rising fuel prices this winter.



He's offering them half price loft insulation.

In addition, those who are really poor won't pay any more for fuel this winter.

And - if you happen to have the good fortune to be really old and really poor, you might get a larger Winter Fuel Payment than usual.

Great stuff Gordon and well thought out; if you're in your 70s, frail and suffering from the effects of severe cold, you'd really be likely to nip down to B & Q to buy yourself some half price loft insulation, wouldn't you?

When Stir The Beans! questioned the government on the total and utter uselessness of this policy on behalf of those who are supposed to benefit from it, the Prime Minister sent us the photograph shown next to this post.

Well, let's face it; he may as well have done...

Into the Valley of Death...

Sometimes, things don't go as well for us as we would want, do they? You know; you order something and the wrong colour item arrives, or you marry someone and they turn out to be mad or French or something. Well, someone in Wales must have experienced either or both of these and more, because he decided to end it all.

The gentleman in question, Ian Noll, was described as 'jobless and penniless', so must have been feeling pretty pissed off before the final straw broke the camel's back; whatever that was. It must have been fairly bad, because he took his brother's car 'without permission' (surprising that; 'Hey bro, may I borrow your car as I want to drive to a remote spot and top myself?'), drove to a remote spot near Merthyr Tydfil (that alone would do it for me) and rigged up a gas cannister to the car.

Then, as one does when one is contemplating one's final moments, he turned on the car radio. He must have tuned in to something rather pedestrian as 'Que Sera Sera' by Doris Day was being played. Upon hearing this song, he decided that things were not so bad after all. His heart was lifted. He pulled himself up, turned up the radio and lit a cigarette to celebrate.

That was when the car burst into flames, exploding with such force that the local rugby team were moved to leave the bar for a short time. They rushed to his assistance and he was in turn rushed to hospital where he was treated for severe burns.

It's at this stage of the game that our society lets us down as far as I'm concerned. After suffering all of this, the redoubtable Mr. Noll was now charged and hauled up before the local beak, where he was duly convicted of arson and handed a 12 month community service order. In addition, his licence was endorsed for the 'Taking Without Consent' charge.

Finally, the magistrate ordered the hapless Mr. Noll to complete an 'Enhanced Thinking Skills Course' to ensure no repetition.

Apparently, the gentleman in question was Welsh...

Nuns are beautiful!

Some ideas can only be put forward by certain people. For instance, if I walked into my local church and said ' Hey Father, I've got an idea! Why don't you organise an online beauty pageant for nuns to give them more visibility within the Catholic Church and to fight their dour image?' I would be carted off to the funny farm as quick as the men with the nets could drag me. ' Hang on! Wait a minute! What's this? An Italian priest, Rev. Antonio Rungi has suggested that very thing.

The "Miss Sister 2008" contest will start in September on a blog run by the Rev. Antonio Rungi and will give nuns from around the world a chance to showcase their work and their image. Rungi said, 'Nuns are a bit marginalised in ecclesiastical life.'

Rungi, a theologian and schoolteacher from Naples, Italy said, visitors to his site will have a month to 'vote for their favourite nun.' Nuns will fill out a profile including information about their life and vocation as well as a photograph. Rungi said, 'We are not going to parade nuns in bathing suits,' (I think that's a mistake) 'But being ugly is not a requirement for becoming a nun. (Really?) External beauty is gift from God, and we mustn't hide it.' So, who is it a gift from if you look like s**t, and should they be hidden?

I can't wait for "Miss Sister 2008," can you?

Download The Podcast!

News! The podcast is here... it's been approved by iTunes! To download Episode One, click on the link below. iTunes will launch and you must then click 'Subscribe'. It will then download the podcast for you and also check automatically for future episodes!

Download Episode One of the 'Stir The Beans!' podcast!

This week: Dave and Steve talk about the advent of Transsexual Toilets in Thai Schools and the return of Gary Glitter amongst other things...

Email your questions, comments and subjects for discussion to: questions@stirthebeans.com!

All that Glitters...

OK, OK, I know it's supposed to be 'All that Glisters...' but that wouldn't work with this post, as the infamous 'DISGRACED FORMER GLAM ROCK STAR WEIRDO PERVY KIDDIE CHASING NUTJOB' was called 'Glitter'. He's now called 'Gadd'. And he's on his way back to Blighty.

Well, to be more accurate, he's on his way somewhere. Apparently, he's been released this morning from the Vietnamese jail that's been his home for the last 3 years and they have deported him. However, as there are no direct flights to the UK, he can change flights for whichever country will allow him a Visa. And let's face it, there can't be many.

It appears that this latest chapter in his downfall was a scam that he should have been aware of; a family so desperate for cash that they set him up. Not that this is any kind of excuse of course. Mind you, he didn't exactly demonstrate his astuteness the first time around when he dropped his laptop - which had a number of rather abhorrent images on its hard drive - into PC World in Bristol for repair. At least his stupidity got him off the streets.

So the self-styled 'Leader of the Gang' (and no thanks Gary, we don't want to be in it), is now free again. But for how long? OK, he's concerned about his health and has worries about where he will live (he hasn't, hitherto, mentioned any sort of concern about his moral standards), but is he as innocent as he makes out? Time will tell.

There is, however, something just as offensive and potentially damaging to the fabric of society than his reported interest in the younger members of it. The world should be reminded that he has made a number of comebacks before. Who knows what he is planning? Especially with another Seventies comeback underway right now.

No - it's not Jimmy Savile directing traffic in Leeds. Making a comeback in the U.S. are the banana related strange animal things that go by the names of Fleegle, Bingo, Drooper and Snorky.

Looking into the future as I can, I see a new 'Glam Rock' band with a new frontman on the horizon...

Out with the old...

Hot News! Yes; Stir The Beans is proud to be able to show you pictures of the new VW Golf a whole week before it's launched! In an exclusive scoop, we can reveal that, well, it looks like the old one.

And quite a lot like the one before that.

'The new Golf is the sixth car to be called a Golf, with Volkswagen playing it relatively safe with the styling and naming of its popular hatchback. Over 26 million Golfs have been produced in its 34-year production run, the new Mk6 model certain to continue that phenomenal success story.' Or so it says in the press kit.

More Stir The Beans exclusive stories; Duck with one leg swims in a circular pattern. Also, news from Rome; Pope declares himself to be a member of the Catholic Church.

To Pee Or Not To Pee...

I don't really know where to start with this one. But then, that is the problem that I'm writing about. I'll explain. The world, as a singer once said, is a great big melting pot, with all sorts in it; and so it should be. In the North-East of Thailand, Kampang Secondary school has taken the concept to the next level by introducing toilets especially for their transsexual pupils.

In a move applauded by the 10-20% of pupils that consider themselves transsexual - that's right; 10-20% - the headmaster, one Sitisak Sumontha, has decided to place the new conveniences directly in the middle of the male and female lavatories.

"They used to be teased every time they used the boys' toilets," said Mr. Sitisak (really?), "so they started using the girls' toilets instead. But that made the girls feel uncomfortable. It made these boys unhappy, and started to affect their work."

Now - obviously this is a good thing for those who have gender issues, but 10-20%? It seems incredibly high. When I was at school, if 20% of the boys went to the teacher and explained that they didn't like it anymore and wanted to be girls, his response - and I am only guessing here - may not have been as accommodating.

Some years ago, it was admitted that British Schools were failing 20% of students. Also in Britain, 20% of students drop out.

Perhaps that's why!

'Why have you dropped out of school son? Your mother and I are very concerned.'
'I don't like being a boy any more Dad. I've decided I want to be a girl.'
'Oh, is that all?! I thought you were on drugs, or liked pop music or something. Come on son! I'll show you which toilets to use; we'll have you back to your studies in no time!'

We can sort this problem out now! We should ask all of these students why they are not going forward to higher education.

And then we simply need to go ahead and build them another toilet block...

I'm The Big Brother of a Celebrity, get me the X Factor out of here....

So - celebrity reality television season is well under way. We are in the middle of 'Big Brother' 59 and have more of the same on its way. It's just been announced that we are not going to be subjected to AntandDec anymore as Davina McCall is going to be hosting the next series of 'I'm a Celebrity....'

Apparently Bobby f'ing Davro (not his real name) is being touted as one of the so-called 'celebs' that get paid through the nose for a few weeks of eating hardly anything and pretending to be 'brave'.

Here at Stir The Beans, we have a better idea for a reality show. It's called 'Celebrity Surgery Island'. All the 'D' to 'Z' listers around would qualify; you know the type - someone who once stood on Jimmy Savile's toe at a Royal Garden Party; someone who once did an audition for a Mars Bar advert; someone who used to be on 'Hollyoaks'; someone who slept with the son of a soap actor and Jodie f'ing Marsh (not her real name) - in short, any of the previous contestants who have been on all of these appalling shows for the last few years.

Once all of these losers have been gathered together somewhere in the Caribbean, the idea is to get them relaxed. This part of the show would be easy; just give them loads of Tennants Extra. Then comes the fun bit. The 'celebs' are divided into two groups and are given a letter each.

The viewers are given a list of surgical procedures - everything from in-growing toenail removal to open heart surgery. Then, the viewers phone in and match the procedure to two letters...

So for instance, you would call in and match letter 'C' (sad ex soap star) to 'G' (wannabe footballers' wife) to, say, an appendicectomy.

Then, each unsuspecting 'Celeb' is taken to another island and one is made to operate on the other WITHOUT ANAESTHETIC.

OK, so the format is a little rough at the moment and may need tidying up a little before we pitch it, but you see where we're going with this. It would rid the world of these hopeless loons whilst providing first class entertainment for the masses...

Sigh; one can only dream.

Oh - and I know the picture has no relevance, but it's so ridiculous, I had to post it.

Death is not my neighbour...

I have been camping for a few days. Hard to believe, as it's not really the sort of thing I am associated with, but it was great fun. I return to the usual stack of bills, final demands and discount vouchers for fast food also to discover the latest in a long line of oppressive laws to come out of Norway.

In addition to penalising people who support Jewish people, running Eco-Friendly prisons and issuing licenses for VCRs and DVD players, now it's illegal to die in the Norwegian community of Longyearbyen in the Svalbard Islands.

Should you break the law and actually pop your misplaced clogs, nobody will bury you here.

At least I now know what I have to do to avoid spending time in a rainy field with nobody else around...

They'll make an 'ash of it...

Southampton Crematorium have installed a Pay-Per-View system so that their funerals can be watched remotely by people in the comfort of their own homes. Supposedly it's been designed so that people who cannot attend the funeral of a loved one due to illness or being in another country. I however, think it's more sinister than that.

It's obviously a move towards attendance-free funerals driven by employers. Already in the dim and distant past are the professional mourners whose job it was to make an already sad occasion even sadder with much wailing, gnashing of teeth and waving of lacy black handkerchiefs. Then they were fired, no doubt as part of a global top-hat shortage. Now, the actual people will be prevented from attending. Well, they only get in the way, don't they? And think of the wasted man hours from employees skiving off to funerals...

There'll be teething troubles of course. Great Aunt Agnes will be scheduled for a service at 15:00. Those of us lucky enough to have a wireless broadband connection won't even have to leave work, so there's no chance of us getting stuck on the B3459 and holding the next service up. Some of us will still be on dialup or will have another problem;

'How was your Dad's funeral?'
'Don't know...'
'Why the hell not?!'
'I had a 'fatal exception error' with Windows Vista. Then, when I rebooted, it told me that I needed to upgrade to 'Funeral 2.0'.'

It's the thin end of the wedge; next it'll be a 'virtual family', where you don't ever have to leave the office...

Yawn. I'm off for a kip in the stationery cupboard.

BeansWear...

With the hits on the blog going up by the day, it's time to launch our very own range of BeansWear! Yes - for only £15, you can be the proud owner of a 'Stir The Beans' t shirt. Currently available in Yellow or White up to XXL. Simply email for further information. All sorts of other merchandise is available; watch this space!

Americans!!

Moe used to drive a car. (Moe is the Ape on the right) Where did Moe drive his car to?

"We need some milk"

"I'll get it."

"Thanks Moe"

Moe is lost, he's not driving, he's is now believed to be on foot. Lost? Hiding? Worse? He's been out there in the rugged, brushy, snaky foothills of the San Bernardino Mountains west of Los Angeles since June 27, when he escaped from his cage. His frantic parents, not his biological parents, are weeping with worry.

Moe, before he retired, was somewhat of a celebrity, he used to make his living opening new shops, shopping malls, you know, ribbon cutting. Apparently he was chosen to open a supermarket ahead of Ricky Martin, brilliant!!

Moe lived at an exotic pets sanctuary called 'Jungle Exotics', owned by Joe Camp. Camp said "It's dangerous, hilly country, and Moe is not somebody's monkey child." Eh?

Moe's owners said, "Oh, I just don't know what he's thinking. Maybe he's scared to death. Maybe he thinks he's in trouble. This is all so new for him," says LaDonna Davis, who considers Moe like the son she never had. She calls herself Moe's mum. Her husband, St. James Davis, a retired NASCAR racer, calls himself Moe's dad.
St. James says: "He's on his way home. He's probably looking for a car to drive."

God help us all!!!

The serious moonlight...

My friend Dave and I are very similar. However, some of the things that make me laugh just make him angry and I never understood this; it would just make me laugh even more. Recently however, I am coming around to his point of view.

I posted on the 23rd of June about a Police sighting of a UFO in South Wales. Well, the South Walians, or whatever they're called, have done it again.

This is an actual transcript of the 999 emergency call that was placed.

Control Room: "South Wales Police, what's your emergency?"
Caller: "It's not really. I just need to inform you that across the mountain there's a bright stationary object."
Control room: "Right."
Caller: "If you've got a couple of minutes perhaps you could find out what it is? It's been there at least half an hour and it's still there."
Control: "It's been there for half an hour. Right. Is it actually on the mountain or in the sky?"
Caller: "It's in the air."
Control: "I will send someone up there now to check it out."
Caller: "OK."

The mystery was soon solved, as the exchange between control and an officer at the scene makes clear.

Control: "Alpha Zulu 20, this object in the sky, did anyone have a look at it?"
Officer: "Yes, it's the moon. Over."

If you think I'm making this up, you can listen to it here.

I'm actually feeling angry... Dave? Dave?!

What's in a name?

A small Merseyside village has been in the news recently. Some small-minded individuals have been defacing the village sign on a regular basis. Apparently, without too much effort, it's possible to make a very offensive word.

'We are sick of this and want it stopped immediately', said the village vicar, Reverend Andrew Tw*tting-F*ck.

Nothing to do with Parrots...

Just when I wondered if there would be another subject along soon to write about, one drops into my lap; or, rather more accurately, onto the floor outside my hotel room. In a headline that almost defies belief, all that I find incredible about the world is encapsulated in just six words.

'Polygamist sect launches children's clothing range'.

Yes; it's those wacky dudes at the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints again... In a move that is inspired by '19th century pioneers', those who were left behind after the State of Texas Child Protection Unit decided that making 14 year old children marry was wrong, decided to release a range of clothing to promote their cause.

It must have worked, because most of the 463 children detained under the protection order have been returned to their parents pending the legal process. Well, those that can recognise them that is; they all look rather similar to me...

Soon to be launched; The Adolf Hitler Kosher Food Range and the Robert Mugabe Election Winning Torture Kit, shortly followed by the Gary Glitter Young Persons' Academy.

Might as well visit the site; you'll need some protective clothing for the last one...

President of The Universe...

In a shocking twist to the expected result, it appears that Robert Mugabe is set to be confirmed as the winner in last Friday's Zimbabwean elections. Mega Brute Rob (see previous posts) has defied all expectations to be the clear leader in what is seen as one of the fairest elections ever held in Harare; this time, although there have been many beatings, intimidation and threats, only 90 or so supporters of the opposing candidate have actually been murdered.

One source, who for some reason declined to be identified, said 'The tallies are indicating that despite the wishes of our detractors and the propaganda of our enemies, the voter turnout was very big and that we are going to see a landslide victory.'

However, it's not all fun and games. Some people think that these events are in some way damaging and wish to stop them as soon as possible. Some people think that with inflation at a trouser-wetting 2 million percent in a country presided over by a dangerous loon, something ought to be done. There have been calls for everything from sanctions to an invasion, but one man in particular thinks this falls way short of what is really needed. The Kenyan Foreign Minister, one Moses Wetangula, wants to employ tactics that are substantially more hardline; "I think we need to engage Zimbabwe', he said. 'The route of sanctions may not be the most helpful one.'

Aaahh - he wants to have a nice little chat; that'll do it...

In Cardiff, no-one can hear you scream. Tidy...

They're back. Or here. Or not, which frankly seems most likely. In a day and age where everyone and his dog has a camera in their mobile phone - my dog certainly has anyway - the Little Green Men are circling our planet again, presumably to establish once and for all why its inhabitants are not at all little or indeed, green.

In Wales, a police helicopter crew have recently spotted what is described as an 'unusual aircraft' in the Vale of Glamorgan. However, the 3-man crew could not, sadly, capture any images of said unusual aircraft before a) the thing completely disappeared and b) the crew returned to earth. In more ways than one I suspect. South Wales Police said that the crew did not give chase and described them as 'very experienced' although I'm not sure what that actually means when it comes to UFO sightings.

Can you imagine reporting this?

'Golf Zulu Tango Oscar. We'd like to report a UFO sighting. Serious.'

'Serious, Golf Oscar? I'm not sure I know what to do with this. Does the Sarge know?'

'Er, no Davydd. We haven't told the Sarge yet.'

'Golf Oscar. What did it look like Jonesy?'

'Well, it was large, like - with big flashy lights. It looked a little like Swansea on a summers' evening.'

'Swansea, eh, Golf Oscar? The whole of Swansea? Or just the waterfront?

'Not sure really. It wasn't around long enough to tell.'

'Golf Oscar! It's the Sarge! He's not lookin' 'appy!'

'Give me that mic! Golf Oscar! Stop pissing about in that chopper and get back to base.'

The main reason for the lack of recent UFO sightings is a pretty simple one. There aren't any. Really. We are so technologically advanced these days that if there was ANYTHING out there, we would have found it by now and as I said above, UFO sightings essentially stopped in the late '70s after people slowed down on their dope intake and started routinely carrying cameras.

I'll leave the last words to Mr. George Withrington of St. Mellons. 'I saw something peculiar', he said. 'With lots of flashing lights.' 

That'll be the police van George, on its way to collect the helicopter crew...

Tubes & Prejudice...

As Jane Austen once wrote, 'It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.'  I'm sorry Janie, you were wrong. I'll write that as it should be written. Come and see me afterwards. Oh, I'm sorry, you can't, can you?

It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a single man (for that read any man - or woman for that matter) in possession of an extended period of time with nothing to do, enforced solitude or indeed being known amongst one's colleagues as a bit of a loser, must be in want of some friends.

Sometimes, a period of enforced solitude brings on other attacks of out-of-character behaviour. Indeed, after some time away on business, I recently suggested to my family that we go camping. However, some people take things a little too far.  Some people go to parks to find those much needed friends and then proceed to fight each other with cardboard tubes.

You may think that this particular pastime is purely Australian... Alas, no. It's also around in California, where it apparently originated. According to the league, and I quote: 'The CTFL was created out of a desperate need to better train and arm citizens with cardboard tubes. While many speculate that our fore fathers (sic), when drafting the constitution, originally intended the fourth amendment to refer to fire arms (sic), there is now a small group of non-academics who believe that they were more likely referring to elite militias of card board (sic) tube wielding ninjas.

Now, whilst of course I sincerely hope that the tongue of the writer is firmly wedged into his or her cheek and leaving aside the obvious inability to use a spelling and grammar checker, it's a feature of things like this and other out-of-the-ordinary pastimes that some rather undesirable characters often gravitate towards in large numbers. You know the type; people who need to shower more often, or those who have eschewed fashion in favour of wearing something their Mum gave them. 

For educational purposes you can see the type of person I am on about here. The leader seems a little too enthusiastic for my liking...

Oh well, I'd better go; I'd like to stay and chat, but I have an online battle of 'World of Warcraft' with some fellow Orks in Russia...

Nearer, my God, to Thee...

Sometimes, when life gets a little challenging, or when one feels a little down, one's behaviour can be affected; one might consider an action without, perhaps, considering all of the possible consequences of said action. A similar situation can occur when one has lost one's way or when one is maybe a sandwich or two short of the full cricketers' afternoon tea.

On April 20th 2008, Adelir de Carli, a Brazlian Catholic Priest, decided that he would harness himself (strapped in a chair) to 1,000 party balloons in order to raise money to 'provide a spiritual rest-stop for truckers'. He left the ground as planned and drifted skyward in - and I am obviously guessing here - a similar manner to which one would expect in this situation, which is quite quickly heavenwards. He had planned to fly 465 miles, an undertaking which an individual with even the most rudimentary knowledge of aviation would imagine requires some sort of forward propulsion. The Reverend de Carli eschewed such prosaic means of control and relied solely upon the wind.

Surprisingly, he reached an altitude of 6000 metres before losing contact with authorities. Later, bits of balloon were discovered floating in the sea. Before he disappeared, his final message was to say that the phone battery was running low and that he could not work the GPS device he had taken with him, presumably before learning how to operate it.

A candidate I fear for The Darwin Awards...

Want fries with that..?

It has been brought to our attention that the post on Mars was inaccurate.

Life - of a certain kind - apparently does exist on the Red Planet.

You have my apologies.

Thanks to SRW for the picture.

Lean back...

I like to think of myself as a feminist. Albeit a male one. However, I couldn't resist posting this.

Let's do the gags as a list, so we can all enjoy them together:

1. I wouldn't mind her in a sandwich.
2. Is that a lardon, or do you have a bacon slicer in your pocket?
3. You don't have to ham it up for me.
4. Lucky swine.
5. Piggin' gorgeous.
6. A new meaning to the word 'streaking'.
7 I only asked her out for a drink, but I could have been rasher.

And on and on ad infinitum...

She ran off, but I was able to Ketchup.

Stop me now, please...

Marilyn Monroe was flatulent.

It appears that instead of diamonds being a girls' best friend, a decent deodorant may have sufficed. A biography of Clark Gable entitled, 'Clark Gable: Tormented Star, written by David Bret claims that 'Marilyn Monroe, was flatulent, dirty and ate in bed.' So far, so bad...

The book goes on to say, 'like Jean Harlow, Enid Blyton and Friar Tuck (probably), she bleached all her pubic hair and never wore panties'. She suffered from what today would be described as 'irritable bowel syndrome'.

I have an image of David Bret in my mind; one of his eyes is much higher than the other and he has a pencil sticking out of his nose.

Bret also claims: 'Monroe rarely bathed, slept in the nude and ate a lot in bed - shoving what was left on her plate under the sheets before going to sleep'. Then, Bret says, 'Marilyn often set fire to her farts; once she unwittingly singed all the hair on Clark Gable's back while he was playing tennis'.

That last bit may have been made up.

Apparently, Some do Like it Hot...

Mars? It's a little like Dursley...

In a world where people are starving, wars are being waged, terrorists have their own schools and Gordon Brown is allowed to be a Prime Minister, Stir the Beans is proud to impart some fantastic news!

Following in man's great tradition of exploration, NASA have today announced that their 'Phoenix' mission to Mars has landed. Everything worked properly, there were no hitches and the craft touched down on the red planet as planned. So what great thing happened when the first pictures came through? What did these scientists - considered as experts in their field - discover?

Well; nothing actually. They discovered that there is nothing there. Furthermore, the landing craft helpfully beamed back a picture of the surface (at 04:53:54 Pacific Time), just to show us non-scientific types what 'nothing' looks like.

Now - I have already freely admitted that I'm no scientist. Maybe, as such, I should be impressed by the fact that millions of dollars have been spent on 'discovering' something that most people knew already. I reckon I could have helped them though. For a fraction of the cost of this mission, I would have laid on a trip to Dursley in Gloucestershire.

Here, nothing happens. Granted, there are a few more buildings than there are on Mars. However, in the search for intelligent life, I reckon they're about level pegging. Still; it would have given them an insight on what to do next. Personally, I can't wait for the three months' worth of data that this mission will provide humankind with. It should really provide us with a deeper understanding of, er, nothingness.

Meanwhile, in Spain, grown men are jumping over babies in an ancient ritual designed to ward off evil spirits.

Hey! You know what?! I've just realised; I've not woken up yet! Thank God. For a moment there, I thought this was all real!

Phew...

Bare Hens Tits

Anagrams eh? Fun for all... I just noticed that the Bank of Zimbabwe (Kebab Fan Biz Mew) have just released a $500 000 000 note for the 'convenience' of the people.

I'd hazard a guess that the 'people' find this surprisingly inconvenient, are 'locked compete fluffy' (completely f*cked off) over the whole thing and would really like to 'kill the President slowly with a blunt knife' (murder the bastard).

As it cost me £124 to fill my tank the other day, I am hoping that our very own 'daft scottish tw*t' (Gordon Brown) will do the same here. Might as well have £200 notes and scrap fivers and tenners. In any case, £20 will soon be only just enough for a 10% tip at a fast food restaurant.

Anyway - backbit maze bow (back to Zimbabwe).

After much letterplay, I have worked out that 'Robert Mugabe' translates into 'Mega Brute Rob'.

Food for thought...


(Bare Hens Tits = Stir The Beans)

Something with a small 'C'...

67% mortgage rates? £400 per gallon for petrol?! More evidence that the world is going mad. A 15-year-old is facing possible prosecution for holding up a placard which branded Scientology a "cult".

The teenager held up a sign which read, "Scientology is not a religion, it is a dangerous cult" in May, outside its headquarters in the City of London. City of London Police said they had received complaints and warned the teenager to get rid of the sign as it breached the Public Order Act. A file is being passed to the Crown Prosecution Service.

Now is not the time to debate the legitimacy of a secretive group of people whose 'religion' was started by an uncaring, money grabbing Science Fiction writer, but if the police had been present every time I had referred to someone's behaviour as 'cultish' or used the word 'cult' to describe various secret organisations, the CPS would have a file on me several metres thick.

Chief Supt Rob Bastable said: "City of London Police upholds the right to demonstrate lawfully, but we have to balance that with the right of all sections of community not to be alarmed, harassed or distressed as a result of other people's behaviour."

Of course the police would have taken into account the right of the 15 year old and thousands of others concerned about this group not to be alarmed, harassed or distressed as a result of other people's behaviour.

Wouldn't they?

Cults.

Just shoot me...

Here at Stir The Beans, we love the U.S. No - we really do. One of us has spent a fair bit of time working there over the years and each state is like a different country. However, they share a few things in common. One of these is weaponry and another is a quite staggeringly unbelievable affection for the offensively tacky. Well; now they have combined the two! Step forward the designer armourer! Too sartorially embarrassed to be a terrorist? Don't know which way to look at your fellow soldiers? Yeah, we know, those uniforms are soo, well, uniform! Worry no more! Now you can treat yourself to a semi-automatic rifle from your favourite designer! Fendi, Versace, anyone you can think of in fact...

I think our personal favourite has to be the item de rigeur for the elegant serial killer of 2008. There really is only one choice; the Louis Vuitton chainsaw. Honestly! I wouldn't be slaughtered by anything else! Add to this the Gucci landmine (it blows you to bits without damaging your loafers) and Britney's very own range of Spears...

Britain has to get in on the act. Can you imagine the effect that it would have on the Officers of the British Army? All downhill, I assure you...

'Binky, I say - have you seen our new hand grenades?'
'No, old chap, what's the prob?'
'They're pinky, Binky, that's the prob! How's a chap supposed to beat the Taliban with pink grenades?! What will they think of us?'
'Haven't a clue old chap. Have you seen my hair straighteners? They came free with a set of rocket launchers from 'Laboratoire Garnier'...

Dead Caroline...

Veteran singer Neil Diamond has topped the UK album chart for the first time with new release Home Before Dark.
The 186 -year-old, whose debut album was released in 1856, becomes the artist who has taken the longest to top the album chart with an original work.

Said Diamond, when asked about this success, 'The nurses are stealing my clothes.'

Also in the news; this week sees the release of 'Indiana Jones and the Frame of Zimmer', which sees a sprightly 123 year old Harrison Ford in pursuit of a metal framed walker...

I was 44 a couple of weeks ago. I feel like a teenager. Still, there's never one around when you want one...

Darth Vader? Serious!

This week, in Wales, a man dressed as Darth Vader was sentenced for attacking the High Priest of the First Jedi Church of Wales with a metal crutch after being provoked with a Light Saber.

Wearing a bin bag, he jumped over a garden wall waving the crutch whilst shouting 'Darth!', 'Darth Vader!'

In court, he conceded that his behaviour may have been affected by the fact that prior to this, he had consumed the entire contents of a 10 litre box of wine.

Outstanding. There is nothing more to add really...

You have gathered together figures of hate and derision. Which one do you shoot first?
	Pol Pot
	Gordon Brown
	Heinrich Himmler
	Peter Andre
	Valerie Singleton
pollcode.com free polls

Starting Out

Ah... the clean slate of a new blog. Fair old tugs at the heart strings; whatever that means. How lucky are we? We have cyberspace to rant and rave in. And it can be read by all...

Welcome to 'Stir The Beans'. This is a blog that will also be a Podcast later in the year. Esoteric discussion, keen insights into topical subjects, a comedic take on the happenings of the day, a satirical look at a politically unstable world? No! Well, sometimes maybe, but often by accident. Simply the ramblings of 2 old friends and their unusual take on the world, its inhabitants and the behaviour of said inhabitants...

So, I hear you ask, how do I get involved? Easy! Simply email your comments/questions to questions@stirthebeans.com and we'll do the rest! Marvellous...